Thoughts

So once again this month I am not pregnant!!!!!! I hate how each month I get a little bit excited and think maybe this month it will be it. But this time around I have definetly had the guilty feeling thoughts. I know most of you wont' understand this but those of you who have lost a chld or had a miscarriage will know this. I have feeling of guilt like this is my fault. Especially cause when I first found out I was pregnant I wasn't really excited. I was scared and shocked at how fast this had happened. So it took me a bit to warm up and then finally when I was getting excited about it is when I had the miscarriage. So I am consumed with those feelings and saying this is my fault even though I know its not. And then I start asking the question why doesn't God want to send me kids yet? And I hate that. Iknow he knows what is best. And now that I actually want to have kids its very stressful. I try not think about it and try not to stress about it. Anyway I just needed to get it out. Dan has been great every month and has been soo positive. He has been such a sweetheart th rough all this. From crying one minute to saying I dont want kids its too hard. I am so glad he has been sooo understanding. I hate what a miscarriage does to you. Anyhooo one good thing that has come out of this is that I can help people who are or who have gone through it.
Anyway I know it will happen whens it supposed to. I just need to relax and calm down and feel good about it.